The couple The couple

Aaron & Jess

Getting Legally Entangled

Kilcunda Hotel · January 2026
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Operational Procedure

Classified: Day-of Field Manual

1
T-24 hours
Confirm suit/dress has not shrunk since last worn. If it has: not your fault, it was the dryer.
2
Morning of
Wake up. Stare at ceiling. Question your life choices. Conclude they are good choices. Resume normal function.
3
Departure
Load vehicle. Apply sustained pressure to accelerator pedal in the direction of Bass Hwy. Sustain operation until Kilcunda exit appears on left. Do not overshoot. You've driven before.
4
Approach
Identify 3529 Bass Hwy. Reduce velocity. Indicate minimum 30 metres prior to turning — yes, even if no one is behind you. It is the law. Probably.
5
Parking
Locate an unoccupied bay. Manoeuvre vehicle within acceptable parallel tolerances (±15cm). Engage handbrake. Do not forget to take keys. You would not be the first.
6
Disembarkation
Open door to external environment. Transfer body weight to pavement. Perform standing. Verify all passengers have also exited. Close and lock vehicle door — check three times if anxious.
7
Navigation to venue
Initiate bipedal locomotion toward front entrance. Maintain forward momentum. If you encounter loose gravel, adjust gait. Heels: godspeed.
8
Entry
Engage door handle. Apply rotational force. Push or pull — try both if unsure. Enter structure. Perform visual scan for recognisable faces. Approach faces. Activate "hi, how are you" subroutine.
9
Groom location
Scan crowd for the sweatiest individual in formal attire. This is Aaron. Approach. Do not mention the sweating. Say he looks great. He will believe you.
10
Ceremony formation
Locate seating arrangement. Lower self into chair using controlled descent. Do not slam down. Cross or uncross legs as ambience demands. Adopt expression of cheerful reverence.
11
Vows commencing
Enter listening mode. Maintain eye contact with proceedings. Suppress laughter at emotional moments. Laughter is acceptable at funny moments ONLY. Know the difference.
12
Ring exchange
Observe ring deployment procedure. Rings should be applied to correct digit using moderate, consistent pressure. If ring does not fit, improvise confidently. Smile through it.
13
Official declaration
Await "I now pronounce you..." signal. Upon confirmation of married status, applause is mandatory. Minimum 4 seconds of sustained clapping. Whistling is optional but encouraged.
14
Transition to reception
Stand. Move toward bar. This step requires no further instruction. You were born for this part.
15
Drink acquisition
Approach bar. Make eye contact with staff. State drink preferences clearly. Exchange currency or proceed to open-bar zone if applicable. Tip if you have character.
16
Seating protocol
Locate your assigned seat using the seating chart. Do not sit at wrong table. If there is no seating chart, conduct territorial marking by placing jacket on chair. Do not move other people's jackets.
17
Food consumption phase
Initiate mastication cycle upon food arrival. Consume at socially acceptable pace. Do not inhale entrée before speeches begin. You can wait. You've eaten today already.
18
Speeches
Put fork down. Give speaker your full attention. Laugh at designated joke moments. If speech exceeds 8 minutes, begin internal countdown. Maintain external expression of engagement regardless.
19
Dancing optional (mandatory)
When music begins, deny for 2 songs minimum. Succumb on song 3. Relocate to dance floor. Move body in approximate time with beat. Confidence is 100% of dancing. You are now a dancer.
20
Tactical rehydration
Drink 500ml of water at some point in the evening. You think you won't need to, but you will. This is not optional. This is self-care.
21
Social protocol
Circulate among tables. Nod at anecdotes from people you've met before but can't name. Say "of course, yes!" with confidence. Describe Aaron and Jess as "genuinely lovely people" and mean it.
22
Photo duties
Participate in group photos when summoned. Adopt natural expression. "Cheese" is acceptable. Do not blink during key moments. If you blink: photographer will tell you. You will blink again.
23
Cake protocol
When cake is cut, accept your slice. Do not decline cake. There is no valid reason to decline cake at a wedding. This is not negotiable. Eat the cake.
24
End-of-night assessment
Evaluate transport options. If consumed alcohol: DO NOT drive. Call an Uber, book the hotel, or locate a sober human. This instruction supersedes all other instructions on this list.
25
Departure
Locate outerwear. Locate partner/companion if applicable. Perform farewell sequence with hosts. Minimum: hug + "congratulations." Maximum: heartfelt speech about love. Proceed to exit.
26
Post-event
Arrive at accommodation. Remove formal attire. Enter horizontal recovery position. Initiate mandatory sleep cycle. Debrief at recovery brunch. Repeat annually on anniversary (watching of wedding video).

Where to Sleep It Off

Accommodation options, ranked by proximity to the bar.

Kilcunda Ocean View Hotel ⭐ Closest
Literally at the venue. Zero travel time. Maximum efficiency. If you can walk to the bar, you can walk to your room.
→ View rooms
Kilcunda Ocean View Holiday Park Camp / Cabins
Cabins and powered sites. You'll smell the sea. Possibly also the barbecue from next door at 7am.
→ Book a cabin
Kilcunda Ocean View Motel Classic
Clean, reliable, gets the job done. The Honda Civic of wedding accommodation. Nothing wrong with that.
→ Check availability
The Beach Free
Zero cost. Unlimited stars above you. Some sand in places you'll discover in the morning. Not endorsed by the couple.

The Evidence

Us, Documented

The couple
The couple
With baby
Kilcunda beach
Kilcunda coast

Getting There

The Venue

📍 Kilcunda Ocean View Hotel

3529 Bass Hwy, Kilcunda VIC 3995

Perched right on the Bass Coast with those ridiculous ocean views. The kind of place where the wind is doing something dramatic at all times and nobody minds.

🚗 Getting Here

About 1.5hrs from Melbourne via the South Gippsland Hwy or Bass Hwy. Kilcunda is small. You will not miss it. If you find yourself in Wonthaggi, you went too far.

📅 The Day

January 2026. Ceremony followed by reception at the hotel. Dress code: smart-casual. "Smart" is optional. "Casual" is mandatory given it's a coastal pub in summer.

🌊 The Vibe

It's Kilcunda. There will be wind, there will be views, and there will be cold beers. Bring sunscreen. Lose your shoes at some point. This is required by local law.

⚠️ URGENT MESSAGE ⚠️

SINGLE BRIDEZILLAS IN KILCUNDA WANT TO CHAT!!

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$WEDDINGCOIN 🚀

Market Cap: 2 Rings & 1 Mortgage

BUY THE DIP!

Value increases 14% per toast. DYOR. Not financial advice. This is a wedding.

AZZFLIX

Unlimited Weddings. Zero Chill.

Now streaming: "The Kilcunda Vows" — A limited series about two people who probably could've just lived together but decided to make it official and spend a lot of money about it.

*Terms apply. Marriage may cause side effects including joy, shared streaming passwords, and someone else knowing where you are at all times.